


can’t make it out alone  (i’ve built my dreams around you)

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anxiety, Christmas, December - Freeform, Depression, Fear, Fluff, Guitar, Loneliness, M/M, Monochromatic World, Music, Sadness, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shy, Silence, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trust Issues, Winter, alex is me, happiness, light - Freeform, of mice & men - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 15:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12914832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: December just doesn't excite him anymore. It's hard to smile when you don't want to live.One newbie changed his day, one kid saved his life.(title from fairytale of New York, one of the best Christmas songs ever in my opinion)





	can’t make it out alone  (i’ve built my dreams around you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notquitepunkrock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquitepunkrock/gifts).



> OohYayChicken: because you said you would love to read this, I hope it's alright my fren, love you so much <3  
> notquitepunkrock: it's all time low, also it's jalex so yay! :) love you <3 <3
> 
> TW: implied/past self-harm, suicide attempt, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts

Alex was lonely as hell. 

He was seated alone on the rickety train, cold air blasted through the cracks beneath the subway door. 

He was fucking freezing even though he was wearing a thick hoodie and then a jacket on top of that. But he had to wear his fingerless grey gloves, he had an aesthetic to keep, also they were his favourite gloves, so he’ll wear them, weather be damned. The grey infinity scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck, so tightly it suffocated him from time to time.

* * *

He knew to embrace the suffocation was weird, but it let him escape. It also terrified Al, but let’s forget about the numbing fear that clung to him.

It doesn’t matter, because he’s meant to be okay.

* * *

It was the beginning of December, streets were full to the brim of squealing kids in buggies being wheeled past laughing, smiling Santas in the trademark reds. The air was light and festive, skyscrapers shone through the grey-blue of the sky above. 

It was very peculiar, December just didn’t seem to excite him anymore.

Because he had to be okay for everyone, because it was selfish for him not to be.

* * *

It was stupid; his dog had somehow stepped on them so he fixed them up with extra-strong tape. He knew he couldn’t afford another pair and he really needed the words and instruments at this time of year. 

Of Mice & Men blasted through his worn headphones, Austin’s screams soothed his rapid spiral of anxious thoughts, each word struck a chord with his melancholy spirit. Then the lead vocals came in and the walls he had built to protect himself from people who hurt him, crumbled brick by fucking brick. 

**_Words wear off,_ ** No one listened to him anymore, everyone kept prying, asking questions. Questions that scared him, that he didn’t want to answer. His pleas fell on deaf ears almost everyday.

**_Nervous paces._ ** The anxiety was almost a part of him now, it always hit him and fucked shit up again. Usually Alex messed everything up, but now and then his mind decides to chime in with it’s ever so *helpful* input. 

**_Something's off,_ ** He wasn’t okay, no one wanted to deal with him because he was bringing everyone else down, ruining their December, making them sad. And that stung, because he never wanted to hurt anyone else. He just wanted to stop hurting.

**_See it in their faces._ ** But he kept his mask on, a mask of happiness most of the time, one that wasn’t fake when he went on trips with Zack and Rian into town, those days kept him here. Kept him breathing. Because, even though they were  oblivious to the monsters they loved him with all they were.

* * *

It was such a sad song, such an angry song for what was supposed to be a happy time. But it helped cease the roaring, seemingly infinite storm in his fucked up head. The winter months sucked just as much as the autumnal months did. 

He craved the innocence that he had had when he was younger. The years he was happy for December. The years he’d wake his parents up to their annoyed protests, when they’d tell him he could open his stocking by himself in the morning, the days they’d litter the floor of the room with piles of wrapping paper. The years he believed in Santa Claus.

* * *

Now all he did was cry himself to sleep. All he did, and far too often may I add, was entertain the notion of throwing himself of the bridge in the centre of the city. 

He fantasised about shaking hands with his old friend, the razor blade, the thing that gave his monochromatic world colour, even if that colour is the blood he made drip and make small, narrow rivers on the pale skin of his left wrist. Those rivers hadn’t flowed in less than a month. Now they were simply pale valleys that held too much. Far too much heaviness and emptiness that had yet to end. Yet to stop.

Because he was clean, and he didn’t want those rivers to flow for shame, for fear of disappointment.

* * *

But for Alex Gaskarth, it was just another day working at the music shop in the city. The vinyls, the CDs, the guitars, the piano, the sheer power of music there was his only friend somedays, when his real friends were away, or simply far too busy to be with him. And hell, Alex was clingy as fuck. 

He needed his friends by him like a plant needed water to stay alive. It was ridiculous, but he needed company because he was so lonely any other time. Whenever they went home, the light, the little candle in his head burnt out almost immediately. And then he spiralled all over again and the shadows took the reins once more. He didn’t like when the light burnt out ever so quickly, ever so suddenly, it scared him more that teens scared his good friend Gerard.

* * *

He was half an hour late. Fuck, he was screwed. Even though his boss, Gee, was a friend of his, he was bound to be annoyed at least at Alex’s laziness.

* * *

The thing is, Alex was anything but lazy. Sure, he was a pathetic excuse for a human being and all that jazz but he struggled to function like any other person does these days. Gaskarth has little to no motivation to get out of bed most mornings. Sometimes the emptiness pins him, screaming and sobbing to the ground - other times he hates himself for wasting away in a pool of tears almost every night.

Repeatedly snapping the elastic band on his wrist, he tumbled into reality. Hell, he really needs to stop zoning out like that… the only other thing that allowed him to be entirely positive was that he wasn’t trapped in his head; was the generic, electronic ping from his phone.

* * *

**_Geesus:_ ** _ Alex, where you at? xoGee _

**_Alex:_ ** _ Shit, dude everything’s delayed!!! _

**_Geesus:_ ** _ The truth!!!! Gaskarth! <3 _

**_Alex:_ ** _ couldn’t deal, hell, i’m so fuckin gee. So fucking sorry :(  _

**_Geesus:_ ** _ Stay put kid, i’ll call you :) _

* * *

Gerard’s soft Jersey accent crackled through Alex’s ears - sometimes his friend’s voice was just as helpful as the screams, sobs and pleas that blasted through his headphones. “Good morning Alexander William!”

Alex smiled, wow, was he blessed to have G. “Hey Gee.”

“How are you?” His boss’ tone shone with concern, such concern Alex embraced with open arms - he was just grateful someone cared.

“I’ve just been having a shitty time, don’t worry though - I’m, I’m fucking dandy.” 

“Alexander, I know you’re not fine. You don’t have to of course, but I want you to know that I give a flying fuck about you, okay?”

Alex smiled sadly, composing himself. He softly replied. “Thank you, Way, that means a lot to me.” 

“Sometimes Gaskarth, I think you underestimate just how much I value you.” Gerard’s voice turned ever so slightly down, less light was there. 

Alex laughed. “Very funny Gerard - I think  _ you _ underestimate how much I know you care about me.”

The happiness, light, the Gerard-ness found it’s way back into his tone. That made the sad boy less sad. “I’m glad you know Alex. I love you, I hope you never forget that.” 

Alex giggled gently down the line, smiling properly for the first time in a long while. “I love you too Way, a whole fucking lot.”

* * *

The minutes spent on the train blurred by as the boy stepped down on the grey platform, on his way to work. His backpack was slung over his shaking shoulders as he wrapped his thin-ass jacket tighter around his bloody freezing form. Cursing himself as snow landed on his hunched body. Checking the time with frostbitten, practically numb fingers, he hissed as he saw how late he was. 

And so he scrolled through his music library as he walked through the crowd. The crowd of smiling, squalling children; of blank, empty faces; of hurried office workers who were stressed out of their minds; of the kids who were forgotten; the kids whom society pushed aside because of their minds.

Elliott Smith came on all of a sudden, the early version of Miss Misery trickled through his headphones, slamming into his eardrums as furiously as Rian hits his own kick and snare drums.

* * *

**_I'll fake it through the day,_ **

**_With some help from Johnny Walker Red_ **

**_And the cold pain behind my eyes,_ **

**_That shoots back through my head_ **

* * *

****Alex hurried into work, greeted by a grinning Gee who ran up to him the moment he entered quietly through the door. “Hey Gaskarth, you alright?”

The younger boy smiled gratefully at his boss. “Hey Gee, sorry I’m so insanely late.” His grin was crooked, faked, empty. 

Gerard didn’t have time to say anything before his boyfriend, Frankie had crept up behind him and jumped onto his back, wrapping small arms around his shoulders and torso. “Hi Al!” Frank smiled adorably, pressing his lips to a blushing Gerard. 

“Morning Iero!” Alex called out as he headed behind the counter and lay his head in his shaking hands. Another shift, same rude customers. But today he was in the literature section of Gee’s store so that was okay.

“Oh yes!” Gerard shouted at Alex. “You’ve got a newbie who’ll be working with you from now on, I think he’ll get here in 3...2...1!” As if on cue, the doors flew open and harsh, freezing air blasted all the boys within.

* * *

A boy, who was a little bit taller than Alex burst through the open doors in an explosion of light, laughter, happiness and colour. Hell, he was brilliant.

Gerard waved the new kid over to where he, Alex and Frankie were stood.

Alex looked down at the floor and drummed his thigh urgently with calloused, sore fingers. Fuck, Gerard knew he hated talking to people in general; they always gave him weird looks, stopped the conversation or just left him.

* * *

**_Would his voice fail him? Would the new guy hate him? Would he be an awkward mess? Would he fuck up everything up like usual? Would he come across as rude? Would his voice annoy the new kid?_ **

He heard a soft ‘Ahem’ from before him; Alex reluctantly, and very carefully looked to the bright, happy boy in front of him.

“Are you alright there dude?” The newbie looked.. Concerned? Was he worried? About Alex? Why?

* * *

**_Stop it you fucking faggot, you’ll just fuck him up like you fuck everything up. He’ll forget about you. Everyone always does. He’ll leave you. Shut up, you’re annoying him LOOK WHAT YOU DID LOOK WHAT YOU DID. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT_ **

“Yeah.” he smiled, lying through his teeth.

Alex didn’t notice the kid look to Gerard, fear and sadness for the boy in front of him, the boy who obviously had something going on. “So, I’m working with you from now on, you’ll have to show me how all this shit works,” He put a hand out to Alex. “I believe we haven’t formally introduced ourselves.”

Alex carefully took his hand, careful not to hurt the happy boy in front of him, not to steal his light with all the heavy shadows that never left him. “I’m Alexander, Alexander Gaskarth. But I prefer being called Alex.”

“It’s nice to meet you Alexander,” the kid stifled a giggle as Alex’s face fell as his full name was spoken. “I’m Jack Barakat. Call me Jacko, if you get me?” 

Jack nudged Alex, but it was so sudden the nervous boy fell over. He squealed in shock as his hip collided with the cold floor of the store. Alex brushed at his already ruined jeans, stammering quickly under his breath as the anxiety got worse second by stupid fucking second.

“Damn, I’m sorry - are you alright Alexander?” Jack whimpered, worried for his coworker.

“Yeah.” Alex whispered his reply - voice wavering with embarrassment, almost shocked at his own stupidity.

* * *

Frank looked over warily at the shaking kid. Smiling softly, he led him away from the prying eyes of his boyfriend and the new kid. Alex led Frank walk him away, avoiding eye contact the whole time.

“What’s up Al?” Frank held the boy’s hands in his own colourful ones, Alex scanned the swirling intricacy of the patterns on his friend’s hands, biting his lip.

“December, it’s just… hard.” The taller boy’s voice cracked as he let his shoulders slump. His father’s words echoed in his head.

* * *

**_“Why can’t you just be bloody happy? That’s all I ask of you!”_ **

**_“You’re so selfish, acting like the world revolves around you, newsflash, it doesn’t.”_ **

**_“You’re ruining our week.”_ **

**_“Stop it! Smile more for god’s sake.”_ **

* * *

****Frank’s face fell. “Hey, sweets,” he gently wiped Alex’s newfound tears away. “Do you want to talk about it?” Alex looked away, biting his lip, drumming his fingers against his thigh.

He nodded, fear still rife in his head. “Okay,” His reply was quiet, as if he was careful not to be too loud, to scare people, but he didn’t have to be scared. He laughed, trying to mask the hurt and nervousness of what he was about to say. 

“I’ve.. I’ve not been doing so well, you see.” Squeezing his eyes shut, he yanked one sleeve of his sweater up and showed Frank his wrist. Iero looked at Alex, confused for a second, before he finally realised what he was looking at. 

Frank felt hot tears burning his eyes and he rubbed at them quickly. “Fuck, Alex.. sweetheart…” 

Alex’s face fell. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” 

“Why on earth are you apologising to me angel?”

Gaskarth was struggling to find the right words to express his shame and fright, so he settled with a sad shrug and didn’t say anything at all. He just cried quietly, flinching away from Frank’s arms when they wrapped around his shaking form, but Frank wasn’t having any of it, so embraced the boy tighter.

Looking to Alex, Frank led his friend back into the store, holding him protectively and close to his chest. “I’ve got you, Gaskarth, I always will.”

* * *

Jack noticed that his co-worker didn’t really talk that much, he was cool with that. Alex seemed like a pretty decent guy in his opinion. But Alex seemed sad when he came back in with Frank. That worried Jack a hell of a lot. He noticed that Gerard kept looking over at them, muttering to Frank, worry carved upon his pale face.

Alex looked anxious as fuck, his hands were all clammy and he seemed to be constantly on watch, for something. He looked fucking terrified, so much so it broke Jack’s heart to see the pretty boy he just met look so lost. “Hey, Alex… do you want to go out? Somewhere? Now?”

Alex looked to Jack’s bright face. “Ummm..” he didn’t talk much anymore. “Okay.” He smiled gratefully at his coworker, maybe today would be alright after all.

Jack grinned, eyes happy. “Yay!” He cheered, adorably may Alex add. Hell, maybe Al liked this guy. “Hey G, my dude! Gaskarth and I are just going to pop out. Won’t be back for a while, that okay?”

Gerard raised his eyebrows, face suddenly stern as he looked at him. 

**“YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!”** Gerard shouted loud enough for all to hear. 

Alex blushed red and softly stuttered. “Ok, Gerard, I-I’m su-sure h-h-he-he w-will.”

**“HEY BARAKAT!”** Frankie had now joined his boyfriend in warning the guy. **“HURT HIM AND WE WILL** **DESTROY YOU!”**

Jack’s eyes were wide and he nodded along quickly to the words thrown at him by his boss and his boyfriend. He grinned and gently squeezed Alex’s hunched shoulder. “I’ll take care of him, I promise.”

* * *

The very moment Alex and Jack walked out onto the bustling street of New York, Alex grew quieter and more closed of. Some prick who didn’t care about anyone else but himself shoved Alex and the boy fell into Jack. He apologised profusely, trying not to cry. Frowning, Jack led Alex into a small coffee shop on the corner, gripping his shaking, trembling, clammy and freezing cold hands in his, he shook his head, telling him he had done nothing wrong. 

Alex was obviously freezing, Jack could tell by the way he held himself, hands were trembling from the cold - fingerless gloves rendered useless in weather like this. Fishing in his pocket for spare coins, he quickly ordered a hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream, which he handed, smiling, to the grateful boy. As he shakily sipped the warm drink, his face lit up. “He-hell, I l-love hot chocolate.” He looked utterly euphoric and that made Jack so happy.

The two friends wandered out to look over the bridge. “Where we off to Jacko?” Alex asked, self-esteem higher than it had ever been before.

“Just gonna go onto the bridge!” Jack grinned and gently yanked Alex’s arm to follow him. He felt Alex stop, still. Something was happening, why did he stop walking, why wasn’t he letting Jack drag him?

* * *

“No, no no. Please, don’t take me to the bridge.” His stutter crept back and and he flinched away from Jack’s warm hands, away from the boy who was so light and bright. Alex was terrified he would ruin him.

“Why not?” Jack softly asked, concern evident in his voice. Barakat had the slightest inkling as to why Alex didn’t want to go on the bridge, but he didn’t want to believe it. 

“It holds a lot of shit for me, stuff I… don’t want to remember, stuff I wish I could forget,” Alex exhaled, cursing himself over and over as he rubbed his eyes red raw. “Fuck. Jacko, I’m so fucking stupid! So fucking stupid!” He was screaming now, eyes wide with terror and body shaking with anxiety and nerves. 

“No, you’re not stupid! Alexander, please don’t say that, it’s not true.” Jack’s voice was like an injection of anesthetic to the roaring storm of shadows and thunder in his head. Alex’s skull was pounding, the demons were screeching and screaming and he needed it to stop.

* * *

**_Jump._ **

**_They’d be better off without you, you know I’m right_ **

**_You’re ruining him, you’re destroying all of them_ **

**_YOU’RE NOTHING-NOTHING-NOTHING-NOTHING-NOTHING YOU UNDERSTAND ME_ ** **_  
_ ** **_JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP FUCKING DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT YOU WASTE OF SPACE_ **

**_D I E._ **

* * *

****And Alex started running towards the barrier, but not before Jack pulled him back and Gaskarth screamed and sobbed and cried. “I’M SORRY!” He shouted, voice raw from the tears.

“Shhh, shhh, Alexander, I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” 

Jack kissed Alex’s temple, but the self hatred kept falling from the breaking boy’s tongue and Jack didn’t know how to help him moderately like who he was.

* * *

And so Jack Barakat kissed the boy he had only known for a day. 

Because time is insignificant, in some ways, when someone shows you their secrets, their monsters, their demons, their heart.

* * *

Alex was collapsed on his bed, Jack beside him as he lovingly trailed circles on Alex’s neck, tickling him as the other boy squealed in protest. Jack smiled, falling for the boy beside him more and more as each second passed. 

Gaskarth’s jeans were still ruined, so Jack lent him a pair of joggers, which Alex willingly yanked over his lanky legs as Jack set about attempting to repair the damage to his black skinny jeans. 

“Why today?” Jack whispered softly, hugging Al as tightly as physically possible.

“I nearly… I nearly killed myself two months ago, today.” Alex whimpered, the words stung to say, he could only imagine how angry Jack would be.

**_Well done, you fucked everything up again. Round of applause for this moron here._ **

* * *

**** “This may sound ridiculously blunt,” Jack smiled sadly as he pressed his lips to Al’s forehead. “But I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself Gaskarth.” 

Alex grinned crookedly, but for the first time in a while, it wasn’t fake. He was happy, he felt lighter that he had felt in what seemed like forever. 

“It’s days like this that make me happy I didn’t. And the other days, I wish I did.”

Jack gripped Alex’s wrists, running long fingers over the faded lines, rivers that hadn’t flowed in a long time. He kissed each line tenderly, raining Alex with affection he thought he didn’t deserve. And with each kiss, Alex cried and smiled a little bit more.

“I’ve got you Gaskarth, I promise you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated! 
> 
> Wrote this as kind of a vent, but also to get back into writing again, this was fun but sad to write to be honest.
> 
> thank you so much for reading! <3 take care my frens.


End file.
